The Harry Potter Story Collection
by Truth Blocker
Summary: This is a collection of various Harry Potter short stories that I wrote. Each chapter there is a new story.
1. Hermione and the Deadly Spork

**Hermione and The Deadly Spork**

There comes a new antagonist in the charming Harry Potter tale. It is known as….THE SPORK!! an exciting combination of a spoon and a fork…thus…SPORK! The spork is evil beyond evil….tricky beyond tricky! And above all…the spork is cunning. The spork lives in Hermione's belly. Hermione thinks that the GINORMOUS lump around her belly button is either a baby named Harhermryon a combination of Harry, Hermione, and a little bit of Ron or a Ha-UGGGE build up of jubber (jiggly blubber). Anyway…Harry is off with Snape getting drunk and running over mailboxes with their broomsticks that have humongo jets on them. Meanwhile, depressed Moaning Myrtle is in the girls stall constantly giving herself a wet willy (a term for placing your head inside the toilet and flushing repeatedly). Hermione is off sniffing pot with her McGonagall mate. Ron, still recovering from his life-threatening hangover, is sitting in the girl's dormitory with Malfoy on top of him. As to what happened to Dumbledore? WHO KNOWS? The last time we saw him was his dorky loser hocus-pocus hat falling out of the window of the tallest tower of Hogwarts. Speaking of Hogwarts, Hogwarts was named after Cho Chang (if you catch my drift…HOG….WARTS….Hogwarts.). When Harry and Snape return riding cannibal llamas, they "accidentally" flick off Ms. Umbridge, they are forced to poop themselves constantly. Unfortunately, Harry and Snape already have a gaping hole in the bottom of their pants that was made during their wild ride on their jet broomsticks. Girls get immediately petrified when they walk into their dormitory and see the disturbing image of Ron and Malfoy (need I go on?). So we have all the girls frozen at the entrance of their dormitory looking like Harry does when he sees Cho (remember? HOGwarts?). So when a girl comes into their dorm, they have to navigate all the frozen bodies, only to have their body frozen seconds later and adding to the sculpture collection. Mr. Filch comes by the girls dormitory with his new handy dandy VACUUM (with a very large storage tank, I might add…) as he fills his vacuum with clothes, body parts, you know, FLAMMABLE PLASTIC and stuff, he approaches the Malfoy-and-Ron scene, AND JOINS IN! Isn't that nice? Then Voldemort comes in with his beautiful happy, flower-making wand. He walks into the girls dorm, and puts some flowers onto the horrific scene. Then he pulled out his baby blue pocket knife with a chainsaw attachment and ripped the sofa that the threesome were…..doing something on….in 2. Then he put his left hand in the windowsill and shut the window. Then the fluorescent light bulb fell on his head, leaving him unconscious. So, let's review, shall we? Ron, Malfoy, and Mr. Filch are making sick-o noises on their half of the sofa, while Voldemort is unconscious with his hand jammed in the window, and a VERY, VERY hot fluorescent light bulb right near his sensitive area….so. Let's continue! Meanwhile, the evil, scheming spork was beginning to….hatch…out of Hermione…if that's REALLY her name! But, as you know, it is a spork, which is SHARP, so Hermione will feel her "baby" "kicking". As hammered Harry and Snape lie on the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, they reconsider their foolish acts for the day. Then they go put some dynamite by the Slytherin dormitory. On their way to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom they flick off some Hufflepuffs who go crying to Mr. Filch, but get petrified on the way. So Harry and Snape, being drunk finally pass through the door to Myrtle's bathroom (after a couple of tries) and go to a stall to puke. Myrtle, surprised, emerges from her stall with dripping hair to find Harry and some guy with a mini skirt on with a smelly, brown substance on their shirts. "What the bleepin bleppity bleep bleepers are you doing in my bleeping bleepity bathroom?!?!" So then Harry and Snape started making out. Myrtle was furious! She kicked Snape in the mouth and pulled him into her wet willy stall to "take care of him". While Snape was recovering from whiplash, Myrtle ran over to Harry and violently made out with him, leaving Harry knocked out. Let's go back to Hermione's tale. Hermione and McGonagall had SO much pot in their system, they couldn't walk. So they called the tow-truck agency. So the tow-truck driver came and said, "sorry girls. We have a weight limit of 5000 pounds. We just can't drag you." So Hermione and McGonagall became hobos along the train track for the Hogwarts Express. But way too quickly, McGonagall's leg got run over by Mr. Filch, (who ditched the threesome in Hogwarts) who had train rage at the moment. So McGonagall was dead, leaving Hermione to be the lone hobo. Until Mr. Malfoy joined her. But his head got run over. So he was out of the picture. Hermione had learned to stay AWAY from the railroad when a train comes after all the drama she had been through.

When we left off on our lovely story, Hermione was a lone hobo by the train track for the Hogwarts Express. Now I must give updated information about everyone else. Let's start with Myrtle, Snape and Harry. So Snape is recovering from the eternal dizziness given to him by Myrtle, who is dangerously making out with Harry. Apparently, Myrtle doesn't get out much. Anyway, Harry is sitting in a girls stall helplessly being pushed around by obsessed Myrtle, who has obviously been waiting for a long time to do this. After about 15 minutes, Myrtle takes a break from Harry and walks over to the stall Snape is recovering in, just to give him some more wrath. Half-conscious, Harry manages to drag himself out of the torture-filled bathroom, leaving Snape to the unknown. To Malfoy's relief, that was the last we ever heard from Snape. According to Malfoy, Harry was all his. That is of course, after we get rid of Mr. Filch. But that was the easy part. We all know that Filch (otherwise known as "filth") is extremely emotionaly attached, and will do anything for his stupid cat. So you take the cat away, and Filch is at your knees begging! It was the perfect plan! At least, so Malfoy thought. So Malfoy began "Operation Do Harry" by kiddnapping Filch's cat while he was sleeping in the corridor (bad habit) and then hanging the cat in a pillow case out a window 500 feet above the ground. Then he cast a noise-making spell down the corridor Filch was in. As Filch was rudely awakened, he saw to his horror that his cat was gone! "WHO THE BLEEPITY BLEEPING BLEEPERS BLEEP BLEEPING STOLE MY BLEEPING CAT?!?!", Filch yelled. Malfoy released a little wimpy girly snicker and tiptoed up to the window where Filch's cat was. Filch, knowing Malfoy, went to Malfoy's dormitory first thing. "WHERE IS MY BLEEPITY BLEEPING CAT?!?", Filch roared. Then, Malfoy pointed to the window. Filch stared at the scene, horrified beyond measure at his cat approaching death so quickly. Immediatly, Filch hobbled towards the window as quickly as possible. But what he didn't know, is that Malfoy loosened all of the bricks underneath the window sill with his pocket-chain saw, so when Filch got his cat, the window collapsed, sending Filch and his cat to an unpleasant death. But when the window broke, it started a GIN-ORMO crack in Malfoy's floor! "My floor! I just waxed it today!", exclaimed Malfoy. Sadly, everything in Malfoy's dorm fell into the lake near Hogwarts to lie there forever until a heroine would come upon it, bringing it to sunlight. The person who took Malfoy and Filch's deaths the worst was Harry, of course. He just sat in his dorm complaing. "Now I have nobody to DO!!", he thought. "who's going to sleep with me and my and teddy when I have a bad dream?!" Harry was discouraged.

We paused the excitement when Harry was discouraged after Snape's, Malfoy's, and Filch's death. Hermione, feeling the same way about her true love, McGonagall, who perished so fatally. Hermione was also feeling some stomach cramps, due to the spork inside of her. The only luck Hermione recieved was not going to the girls dormitory (she stayed in the teacher's lounge...). Harry and Dobby were destined for each other. Dobby, a simple emo house elf beats himself up after he accomplishes something. Harry, on the other hand, does every boy he sees (he doesn't do girls, because that would be wrong.). Hermione, was destined for Myrtle. Myrtle was some depressed, goth, wanna-be and Hermione was as smart as a rock with all of her Hogwarts studies. WHAT A PERFECT MATCH!When Harry and Dobby took a romantic hippogriff ride over the forbidden forest, Harry, with a lack of anger management, shoved Dobby off the hippogriff for a terrific free fall of 2 seconds. Dobby hit a bunch of trees, but finally made his way to the ground, lacking some flesh. Dobby sat up and was immediatly going to abuse himself with some sharp pinecones, but looked around and saw his true soulmate, Hagrid. They ran towards each other happily united. They had a few prescious moments together. Tht is, until they heard hoofs stamping on the ground. "It's a centaur stampede!", bellowed Hagrid. So Dobby and Hagrid ran for their life, hand in hand, off to Hagrid's cabin, where they locked the door. Harry ignorantly returned the hippogriff to Hogwarts and casually walked into the restricted part of the library and started a fire. The librarian's performed the "stop, drop, and roll" theory backwards, leaving them sitting on the ground, waiting to ignite, while Harry jumped out the window, and landed on Cho, who forgot to put on her wart treatment. "Oh! Harry! You're not suppossed to see me like thi--I mean, I have hair growth problems-- I mean, I gotta go. BYE!", Cho mentioned as she ran off to her dorm. Harry sat there puking his guts out, while all that was left of the library was one librarian's eyeball.

When we left off, These were the couples: Hermione and Myrtle, Harry and Dobby, Dobby and Hagrid, and Ron and his pillow. Everyone else was either too ugly, or was dead. Let's start with Hermione and Myrtle. Being a ghost obviously posed a problem for Myrtle; whenever she tried to jump Hermione, her soul mate, she would fly right through her. This prevented the destined couple from having "relations". But who cares? Anyway, Harry and Dobby got separated, physically and mentally, after Dobby had he drop of his life off of Buckbeak the hippogriff, which resulted in the happy union of him and Hagrid. After Hagrid ran off holding hands with bikini sporting Dobby, a revolution had begun. Dobby insisted they should have immediate relations more serious than just holding hands! I mean, holding hands is BABY! Let's get MOVIN'! And that is why Hagrid left Dobby for Fang, his ignorant and talentless dog. Ron started looking at his pillows differently, and that's when we knew that something was wrong. But nobody cared about his many inanimate-object relations. Meanwhile,the Spork that was festering in Hermione's overweight stomach was increasing its size, to Hermione AND her stomach's dismay. She concluded that the Spork incident was caused by the consumption of a spoon and a fork, and when they had a baby, it was a Spork. After being forced to end her deep relationship with Myrtle, Hermione's eyes began wandering over to the flower-power Voldemort. Voldemort began noticing, and liking. Myrtle found the pair snogging in HER bathroom stall, and decided to call upon the dark and evil forces that resided in the known magical world. "Komon yaaa, Heti shaaa, Feri yaki, Barty SHAKI!" Myrtle recited. Then everything went black.

Moaning Myrtle summoned all of the dark forces known to the vast magical land that wizards and other creatures occupied happily. Everything went black. It started off with a low, discreet, humming sound. Then it transformed into whispering. Then, as light slowly returned, all serenity was lost. The skies were screeching and the winds were howling. Tall, thin, dark shadows became visible at the edge of the hills, directly under the mystifying sunset. The mysterious creatures had arrived at the scene. Hermione and the flower-happy Voldemort froze as the magnificent pair of doors creaked open, and cleared the entrance to Hogwarts for all of the dark and terrifying creatures. Myrtle collapsed to the tile bathroom floor, weary from the powerful summoning that had taken place just moments earlier. Hermione and Voldemort quickly exchanged short glances, and bolted out the old wooden door that provided the exit from the lonely girls bathroom.They sprinted past long corridors filled with screaming Hogwarts students and deserted classrooms. But then they stopped dead in their tracks. Just feet ahead of them was a mortifying army that consisted of trolls, and evil centaurs, and worst of all, dark wizards that were all possessing some sort of deadly weapon from axes to flails. There was a long, deadly silence. No one dared to make a sound. Suddenly, all in one moment, everyone began to yell and scream their battle cry at the top of their lungs as Hermione started inching their way into a sheltered classroom. Hermione looked at Voldemort expecting him to have followed her, but he was rooted to that spot. He was not flinching, or even blinking. A rush of horror flowed through Hermione. Could he possibly be remembering his dark and evil ways, Hermione thought. Certainly not. Not after everything we did to make him forget... Voldemort turned his head toward Hermione. Hermione noticed little streaks of red forming in his eye. _No...__no__...NOOO...,_ Hermione thought in her head. _It is true. He remembers. Now what will happen to me? __To Hogwarts?__ To the whole __wizarding__ society_ Hermione thought. She looked up at Voldemort again to see his small pupils narrowing and becoming completely red. Panic took over, and Hermione cowered momentarily, but then regained her senses and leaped into the silent classroom, slamming the heavy wooden door behind herself. She knew that a simple wooden door would definitely not prevent any wizard, much less Lord Voldemort himself, from entering a place. Hermione used her little time wisely and bolted over to the small window on the other side of the classroom. The apparently weak door blasted off its hinges, narrowly missing her, and revealed Lord Voldemort and his reunited dark forces behind him. Hermione shrieked and hurriedly shoved the window open and squeezed through, head first. It was not a long distance to the ground, and Hermione would rather jump out of a window than be blown to pieces by a dark wizard who called himself Voldemort. Hermione yelped as she landed on her arm, experienced brief, but strong pain, and then jumped to her feet and ran to cover. Hermione plopped down and the fresh green grass, briefly observed a large lump on her stomach, and started crying. "H-He was my f-first b-boyfriend!!"

Hermione lay on the moist grass of the Hogwarts green field sobbing, waiting for someone to comfort her...anyone to comfort her. Her wish was soon granted. Hermione saw a shadow on the other side of the Hogwarts wall. It grew, and grew, and grew until she saw the owner of the shadow, Harry Potter. Hermione noticed by his voice and by his balanced and steady walk that Harry was sober, for a change. "Oh...hi, Harry..." Hermione said shakily. Hermione was not sure if Harry was going to comfort her, or just bother her. "Hello, Hermione," Harry answered. He was a little confused as to the reason Hermione was sitting in the grass of the Hogwarts field doing nothing. Then he noticed the tears on her face. "Hey, why are you crying..?""Well...it's a long story..." Hermione started. "Well, Voldemort and I were totally dating, and we were in love, and then we went into Myrtle bathroom stall and made out, and Myrtle got mad, because she likes me and because we were in _her_ stall, and then she summoned the dark forces and collapsed, and so Voldemort and I ran away from the bathroom, but we accidentally ran into the dark forces, and that was when Voldemort remembered his old dark ways we tried so hard to make him forget, and then I ran into that empty classroom, and he and his new dark army followed me, and then I jumped out the window, and then Voldemort screamed."Hermione took a deep breath. Then she got on her shaking knees and hugged Harry, very self-consciously. And he surprisingly hugged her back. And then they looked at each other, and kissed violently. Hermione stopped kissing Harry, with a guilty feeling, when she heard him yelp in pain. "Oh...um..sorry, Harry..." Hermione mumbled awkwardly. "Umm," Harry said, in an attempt to change the subject, "What happened to Lord Voldemort..?" Harry said the first thing that came to his mind. This confused Hermione. "What happened to him?" Hermione questioned. "What do you mean, 'what happened to him'?" "Where did he go? I'm sure you jumping out of a window like a maniac--no offense--would not stop _the_ Lord Voldemort himself from finding and attacking a little school girl--no offense, Hermione--!" Harry reasoned. There was a brief, soundless pause. As soon as the two some realized what had just happened, Harry and Hermione screamed with all their might. "AHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed Harry and Hermione. Then the new couple ran as fast and as far as they possibly could away from Hogwarts, from Voldemort, down to Hogsmeade, to hopefully find shelter from the new evil, flower _hating_, Lord Voldemort.

* * *


	2. Harry Potter and the Miraculous Stork

**Harry Potter and the ****Miraculous ****St****ork**

One day, Harry was sitting in his House, watching the fire burn out, when he heard a loud crashing that sounded just like glass. Apparently, the sound came from his room. So he ran up and found that sitting on his bed was Ron, with a piece of glass in his eye, shouting, "The buggers got me!" Sitting next to him was a stork, with twins inside its basket. They were both boys. So Harry pulled them out, and named them Alex and Armando. He then consulted with Professor McGonagall and was given the responsibility of taking them to class and fathering them every day. Ron, sadly, was killed in action 3 minutes later from jumping out of the window. Hermione was given a girl, which she nursed every day in class. This was a new invention of the U.S. Army………

So after Ron was killed with suicide, Hermione began her "Work" in class. Harry had to run to the Leaky Cauldron every five minutes to get milk for his babies. (Sometimes Hermione "pitched in"). Life returned to normal until Malfoy got a baby. The baby had spiked hair, green teeth, and pink eye. The baby not only made 10 people lose their lives, but made 8000 people sick. The baby was also put into a coma by Malfoy more than 5 times with Malfoy's shovel. It was the center of attention always. Harry, hurt by losing his fame and gain, hit himself with a taradactle after he grew a beard. But for Hermione, the worst was yet to come. In the years following, Hermione's baby, Alexandria, would be pitted in battle against Malfoy's baby, Bob, who would kill himself... The US army experiment was to see how 14 year olds could deal with the joy/terror of having a baby.

Harry started out that day with talking to Alex. "It's going to be all right! (secretly, it wasn't) Daddy's here for you!" Then he broke down into uncontrollable sobs. "Hail Mary! Please fix my baby so he won't have the bird flu!!!" He started to feel weak as he fell down the steps. "Ow! Oh, please stop it! They're sharp!!!!!!!!!" When he got down from his dorm, he happened to run into Hermione. "Hermy, what do I do if my baby has cough bird cough flu?!" Hermione, looking surprised and shocked, replied "I'm sorry Hair, you have to take him skydiving to completly heal him." Harry cried into her arms. Then Malfoy broke into Gryffindor's picture. "Alright, everyone on your hands and knees!"(Malfoy had 3 AK-47's: 2 with him and 1 with his baby). Still feeling down about skydiving, Harry popped up from behind the sofa and yelled "Shoot me Mally!!" Right before Malfoy shot Harry, Harry collapsed from bird flu, with blood spurting from his nose. "I cand fel mi body anymore!" Then SWAT came into the picture and ended it with Malfoy. "Put your hands above your head! Drop your weapon! Down on the floor, Malfoy!" The SWAT leader then said to his buddy, "Radio that fat lady and say 'Thanks for the call'." The fat lady was the dead picture. It had called the police with its intricate, state-of-the-art technology inside. SWAT wasted no time in disposing with Malfoy. They had a quick headshot. So now Malfoy and Ron are dead. Back to Harry. "OMG, I think I'm dying! What do I do now? Do I see a flashback of my life or pray first?" Hermione replied "I think you pray first, but that's only if Dumbyhead comes in. If not, no Heaven for you!" Harry started crying, but then fell unconscious. Hermione took Harry to her dorm and laid Harry on her bed. Then she opened the window and went and got Alex. (by the way, Armando is with Uncle Sirius) In the middle of the 2 dorms, Hermione started feeling weird. "OMG, it's the bird flu!" "Here you go, Alex." Putting Alex onto the sofa, she ran into the prefect's bathroom and grabbed a box that said, 'CONTAMINATION ONLY'.

The box held gloves, Tamiflu, the vaccine and antidote for Avian Bird flu, and some strange box that made a constant beeping noise. Hermione paid no attention at all to it. She swallowed the antidote for the virus, and became instantly well. She then put on the gas mask that I forgot to mention. Dumbledore then came into the prefect's bathroom. "So, how's it ... Why do you have a gas mask on your face?" Hermione then told Dumbledore, "Dumby BORE, you don't really realize that a strain of Avian Bird flu is spreading through Gryffindor Dormitory, do you?!" Dumbledore then expelled Hermione. He then evacuated the premises, except for Gryffindor House. Then he called the British Air Force and said, "The terrorists are located at Hogwarts School." Then he hung up. So 5 British bombers went towards Hogwarts and started their bombing run. Meanwhile, Harry, Hermione, and Alex were in their empty castle along with the SWAT team fighting the Bird flu. "I got a sick SWAT guy over here! OK, fix him up! Crap, I hear noise! It's probably the train coming with the next semester of kids. But what's with the high pitched 'eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww'? IT'S A BOMB! Runnnnnnnnnnnnn!" Alex, "safe and sound" on the sofa, started crying. It was the last sound that Harry heard from his baby. The section that Harry and the others used to be in was blown away by one bomb, taking Alex and a SWAT guy with it. They were coming around to bomb again. "They're going to doze the whole place! We only have 4 SWAT people left and you and me! I know. Let's cry and kiss. OK!" So Harry and Hermione went out to the Womping Willow, avoided its branches, and started crying, sobbing, and hugging each other. Then they started to kiss. "Oh Harry, you're better than I imagined!" He stared at her. "You've liked me?" Hermione said, "Yes. I've loved you since I first met you." Then Hermione remembered that Harry still had bird flu and that the effects of Tamiflu were starting to wear off. "Hey Hair, I'm going to peek outside and see how much of the castle they've destroyed." He replied, "OK sweety, see you in a minute." Hermione then ran outside, found out that the castle had been razed, and used the pay phone conviently located next to the Womping Willow to call Dumbledore. "Dumby, I want you to pick me up. OK honey." (She was his daughter) So a helicopter with missiles came and picked her up. Then Harry, confused with all the noise, came out and yelled at the helicopter. "Oh, mercy me! Save me! I didn't want to cause you any harm!" The Womping Willow hit Harry and broke his arm. "OOOOOOHHHHHH My ARM!!" The helicopter backed up, took aim, and fired a flurry of machine gun and missiles at Harry. The tree fell down on top of Harry, killing him instantly. Hermione, inside of the helicopter, said "Thank you so much for picking me up. I swear, that within the next five minutes, he was going to rape me!" Let's slow down for a little bit. Harry, Ron, 1 SWAT guy, and Alex, Harry's baby, are dead. Let's switch over to the SWAT team. (over in the forest) "OK, guys, we were just in a magic school that got blown up, and a wizard's son is DEAD. We should've gotten him! That is our duty! Except for Bob dying. That was tragic. Wait a minute, I hear a noise. It sounds like beeping...

It turns out that the beeping noise had come from the box that was marked "CONTAMINATION ONLY." Unfortunately for the SWAT team, it was a suicide bomb-meant for the people who didn't have enough time left. _**BOOM!!**_

OK. Let's review. In the last chapter, (more like sentence) the SWAT team was killed after the suicide bomb blew up. So now Hermione, who can't find her baby anymore, is the only school kid left. Pretty much all of the teachers are alive since they evacuated with Dumbledore. All right. Back to the story. "DADDY!!!" Hermione shrieked. "What, sweet pumpkin face?" Dumbledore sweetly asked with sympathy. "I just did a pregnancy test-and it appears that the stupid Harry penetrated more than my heartbroken spirit! I have about 8 and a half months left before it's born." Hermione looked very sad and worried at this remark. "$#&?#! That boy knew better! I thought I taught him that in the class 'Dating Girls for Dummies'. He had NO idea how to date you, much less anyone else." Dumbledore was so perturbed by this that he went into the deadly storage room closet - filled with "Most Wanted" pictures of Harry - and Dumbledore's wife. But anyway, he grabbed the shotgun from the gun rack which was filled with rifles, automatic machine guns, a stun gun, and several tranqulizers. He took the biggest shotgun, loaded it, and got ready to shoot Hermione. But then a baby's cry pierced the air. "WAHHHHAHHHHHH!" The baby made such a ruckus that instead of shooting Hermione, he turned the gun on himself and pulled the trigger. The boom made Armando, Hermione's baby - found at a local Mexican bar, stop crying, and made Hermione start. She rushed into the closet, and... "OMIGO!" She then turned to throw up, but instead found Armando - right in her shooting path. He got covered, and they both cried for exactly 3 hours. Then she turned around, saw Dumbledore's head in three pieces and being ravaged by flies, threw up down her shirt. She called the police, and said: "IT WAS HARRY POTTER! He arranged for Dumbledore to have a booby trap when he came home! Then he tried to rape me! But now he's dead (sneaky laugh)! I'm so happy. Anyway, can you remove his body? I'm getting tired of throwing up every time I see his blood getting AIDS. OVER. And over. And OVER! It makes me want to...blalaaaaa (throws up). DANGIT. There I go again! Anyway, just get over here!" And she promptly hung up the phone, took a shower, "displayed herself" to Armando, and got in Dumbledore's helicopter. "Goodbye, house! I'm going to Africa!" And she shot the police cars with the machine gun feature! And she got shot at by the National Guard! But finally, she was over the sea, and she got a boat, paddles, and parachutes ready. She and Armando then jumped into the ocean - right in between Africa and the US. During the trip, let's just say that she and her son shared some "tender moments". When they got to Africa, they unloaded themselves from the boat, Hermione now 20, Armando now 4. And the new baby, now 2. She named her when she had drank too much of the ocean water, so she called it Fresh Water. Fresh Water was a tough little girl, and had survived all of the elements, even seeing Armando and Hermione get it on. Hermione decided to set up camp right in the middle of the Sahara, with a little tribe of Africans and a few whites. When she got there, she was made a slave. Armando became the Lieutenant Senior Doctor and Military Chief, and Fresh Water became his intern.

16 YEARS LATER: 2005 Hermione, fresh out of reasons to not let Armando get it on with Fresh Water, decided to tell her immediately to let her get out of there. But no, a group of Armando's Military stopped her, questioned her, and suddenly shot her in the chest. She was repelled back by the force, and Armando whipped out his silver RAZR, and called the ambulance. The ambulance came to pick her up. They got her in the makeshift ER, took the bullet out, and calmed her, but she ended up dying of shock, sadness, and AIDS. The entire city - a population of 6 million, came out to her funeral. Unfortunately for Fresh Water, Hermione had left no will, so Armando claimed it immediately - and sent out some soldiers to exterminate Fresh Water. They came after her, caught her, and sent her to execution row. Just minutes before she was about to be executed, her friend Atmospheric Air broke her out by using her stun gun to break through the bars. Fresh Water and AA broke out and took the soonest plane out of EARTH-WIND-FIRE-WATER City.

14 YEARS LATER: 2019 Fresh Water's phone implant in her head was buzzing. It was quite annoying, really. She answered it, and collapsed after the first 10 seconds. Atmospheric Air had been struck by a street cleaner robot, and was in the ICU. The next day, after Fresh Water visited her in the ultra high tech hospital, AA passed out, lost her breathing robot, and died on the spot. Fresh Water mourned her loss, but decided to make the best of it. She decided to get a few hobbies. She rented out her body. She visited "bars". With all of the extra money, she bought a big house and started a corporation for the rights for women, which had been revoked in 2009 because some woman tried to run the country. Some woman called Hillary or something. Anyway, she made so much money that she started donating to organizations. Fresh Water, being 32, finally decided to marry after all of that donating to decide if men liked her for her money, or for herself. As she was passing down the street to go meet a guy she found on her computer-house control system-news-TV gadget she had in her pocket, she saw no one else but old and frail Hillary. They exchanged hellos, and then Fresh Water proceeded to knock her teeth out for getting women's rights revoked. She did more than that to her, sadly (wink). She set off a reaction in Hillary's brain, and all of the blood came out of Hillary's mouth instead of going to her heart. The police robots came to arrest her immediately, and hauled her off to jail. She was charged with murder, political charges, and for being on the street without a veil. While in jail, she met a guy. Nine months later, she had Julia!. Julia! was an extraordinary baby, with an IQ of 196.33333333333333. The CPS came and of course messed everything up for Julia!, but later she was able to escape their clutches and get out on her own with women's rights. But for Fresh Water, it was a different story. Now, when she was put in the line to be executed, there was no one to break her out. At first it was 9 months until execution. Fresh Water cried herself to sleep at night, and tried to cut herself during the day, just to be stopped by the over anxious to touch a female guards. As the time dwindled down to 3 months, her crying stopped and was replaced with a numbness; her desire to live quelled by jail and propaganda. She passed her time by watching the news and eating good food. At 301 pounds, she was getting ready to be executed because of all the weight. She could hardly walk now. -- With 1 month to go, Fresh Water started feeling happy about being executed. She didn't know what the other side of life would be like, but she was certain that it would certainly be better than her predicament at hand. -- With 6 hours left, Fresh Water watched the news for a final time. Suddenly, a important announcement broke through the dull atmosphere of the compound. On January 1st, 2020, women's rights had been restored. She watched the celebrations for 5 hours and 20 minutes, then was led away to recieve the death sentence. In the room, there was a nice bright white light. She lay on the bed, and then decided to go to sleep in order to escape the agony of watching herself die. Too late though. The nurse came in, polished her needle, asked Fresh Water if she believed in the Lord God, which FW immediately announced that she did not, and injected her. -- The last few minutes were exhilerating. She had the usual flashback of her life, and saw blackness tugging at the edges of her eyes. She held the nurse's hand, and slipped away...

* * *


	3. Ron Moves To The Orphanage

**Ron Moves To ****The**** Orphanage**

So one day, Ron Weasly was walking to Hogwarts when a owl came and pecked him in the face. "Ow! What the bloody hell did you do that for?!" The owl simply dropped a piece of paper marked "Daily Prophet News", and flew off. When Ron picked it up and opened it, he collapsed.

When Ron woke up, he saw buzzards flying around him. Then he remembered the dreadful news that the letter had brought him. "My parents are dead!" he sobbed. The other half of the letter said "Ronald Weasly is to report to Flying Owl Orphanage immediatly." So he set out on a 3 day journey to London so he could go to the orphanage. It was terrible. He had illusions of Malfoy doing something, but it was blurry. Finally, when he got to London, he was barraged by police looking for a killer. He had to sit in jail for 3 days just because the cops thought that he was HIS PARENTS killer. Scary, ain't it?

Ronald realized at the end of the 3rd day in jail that he had to do something to get out. The police had taken his main wand, but he had a backup one in his underwear. Ronald took out the wand, waited for the guard to walk by, and recited "hocus-pocus, break me outta here!" The door immediately snapped off at its hinges. There was a yelling noise as all of the other prisoners begged him to break them out. One of the kids, a pretty established wizard named Leroy, called him over. "Please man, I promise to be the best helper you've had. I'll take an Avada Kedavra for you!" He begged. Ronald considered it for a moment, took out his wand, and said "Sure, Leroy, I'll let you keep your promise!" He said. "Avada Kedavra!" Leroy fell to the ground, motionless. A prison guard then came. "Expelliarmus!" He cried. He took out his vintage radio and took to radioing in for the police and other guards. "We have a killer on the loose, he's already killed a prisoner, and...OMG! He's coming after m..." The guard released the "TALK" button on his radio and grunted as Ronald stabbed him with the guard's own wand! Ron calmly removed the wand from the man's stomach, wiped off the blood, and slowly went by the cells, looking for a partner with the same cold-blooded techniques as him. Finally, he found a good person with the same ideals as him. Smokey Joe was a prisoner who had blown up a Muggle suburb-killing thousands in one moment. Since his imprisonment, he had become scared, but still had that attitude of a mean, heartless murderer. "Smokey, you wanna come?" Ron asked? "Sure, buddy. I've wanted to escape this joint for a long while." So Ronald, the newly established killer, flanked by his buddy Smokey Joe, the already established killer, set off hand-in-hand toward the exit, blasting away any opposition they encountered. As soon as they got to the reception area, they found a entire team of SWAT, the USMC, the San Francisco Police, and the California Military Reserve waiting for them. Ronald handed his wand to Smokey, and said "Let 'em have it, Joe." In a menacing tone, Smokey recited the explosion curse, put a timer on it, and ran to the nearest cell. In the next few moments, they kissed. And kissed some more, just for good measure. When they went out, they played the "Mission Impossible" theme in their heads as they heard the explosion, registered it in their brains over the "MI" theme as an explosion, saw the entire law enforcing team rip into pieces, and walked out into a clear, blue sky day, ready to face the challenge of the world after them.


	4. Harry's Special Invisibility Cloak

**Harry Potter's Special Invisibility Cloak**

Age: Birth

Harry Potter is a national symbol of honesty, pride, love and care, and finally, kindness. But I'm about to change all that! I have re-done Harry's life. I'll start from the beginning. Harry was born in a Utah trailer park. When he was visiting his uncle, his mother was killed by a drunk truck driver, and James Potter was killed by their vicious, ferocious Poodle, Bubba Charlie. Harry was sent to a rodeo orphanage to grow up and work on forever. But something was about to change.

Age: 1

After Harry went to the Rodeo Orphanage, he was put on a train to TX. But a gust of wind blew the train over, and he was the only one not killed out of the 600 people on the train. He did suffer brain damage, though, which led to him getting amnesia later in his life and Down-Syndrome, sadly.

Age: 2

After the train wreck, the ambulances came and took damaged Harry to the hospital. There, intern doctors operated on his brain!! That didn't fix it at all. They diagnosed him with Down Syndrome, and gave him to Dumbledore to care of. Dumbledore then placed Harry in a inn, where the bartender and many rough customers gave him an ear lashing every night, exposing him to things that he wasn't supposed to know about until he was 21.

Age: 3

At the inn, Harry Potter the Retard was subjected to many issues involving drugs, money, and shootings. This did not go well with him, or Dumbledore. He was appalled and saddened at the lack of attention and care Harry got. The innkeeper just gave him bread and water, and sat him in a room for the day! Harry Potter was magical, but he didn't know it yet. Dumbledore, on his visits to Harry, kept trying to tell him that he was a wizard, since Harry had strangely been moving things around, like the dancer that sat in the "bar" below. Although he didn't know it, his magical life was about to change for the better.

Age: 4

Thankfully, Dumbledore had a plan for Harry. That Christmas, Harry got a invisibility cloak to "have fun in and suddenly escape situations when necessary." Dumbledore wrote. Harry thought that this was an amusing idea, so one day he went up to the innkeeper. "What do you want now, you frickin' life sucker retard?" The barkeeper said. Harry, angry as he was in his frail little body, decided to not do anything yet to the innkeeper. "Iugh wanaa bready!" Harry said. The enraged innkeeper slapped Harry across the face, somehow removing 10 percent of his Down Syndrome. His ability to recognize speech clearly was returned to him by the innkeeper's slap. Too happy to use his original plan (kick the innkeeper in the balls and run away with the cloak), Harry started to run upstairs, tripped on a loose board, and fell flat on his face, flanked by evil laughs.

Age: 5

Harry Potter awoke a mess, with blood all around his nose and shirt. It was nighttime, and on his birthday, too! Apparently the inhabitants of the inn had walked around him and just gone to sleep. They were so evil! Harry thought. Harry groggily and shakily walked to his room, wanting to be with Dumbledore more than anything else. As soon as he unlocked his door, though, he immediately shoved that thought to the back of his head when he saw a brand new, squeaky clean, shiny GETTING YOUR RETARD TO FLY BROOM(WITH TRAINING STABILIZATION INCLUDED)! He cried out in joy, and immediately fell to the ground, convulsing. An epilectic seizure had "seized" the moment again. Harry thought that the world would end, he was in so much pain. Finally, the pain ended, and he got up very carefully. He finally got back to the happy time when he saw his training broom again. He grabbed the broom, and immediately mounted it. He pushed the "ON" button, and let the tutorial guide him through flying a broom.

Age: 6

Harry had slowly begun increasing his broom riding skills (you know, like not permanently paralyzing anyone who crossed his path. As the result of the numerous unprofessional leg amputations, the Inn keeper decided to down-grade Harry's daily feast. Harry would receive 1 tablespoon of water and half of 1 slice of bread. Harry could barely say his name, yet have any emotions besides HAPPY and MAD (because of the down syndrome, so this didn't affect Harry much. Then one day the Inn keeper got a female snake named Bill and put it in the Inn's makeshift lobby. He gave harry contorted looks as he saw Harry tapping loudly on the glass cage with his index finger and chanting "heshhhhhaaaaaa SIETHHHHHHH" in a low voice, during which, the snake was repeatedly attempting to sink it's fangs into Harry and be stopped by the glass boundary between them. After viewing this, the Inn keeper would take "a couple" pills. After the pills did not do their proper "function", the Inn keeper would lock himself up in his roofless room and begin slitting his wrists. Some would say he was emo. I would agree with them. Harry did, too, as he used his "MAGICAL X-RAY VISION GLASSES" he got in a Burger King kids meal (when he was lucky enough to go there, much less, get a kid's meal). Anyway, as Harry's interest in Bill the snake increased, he let it out of the glass age one day and told him, in Parseltongue, of course, to eat a baby.

Age: 7

Harry asked Bill the snake, in Parseltongue, to eat a baby. The fact that Harry knew and spoke Parseltongue encouraged Bill to obey. And she did. The first unsuspecting infant Bill saw, she flew on the ground over to the baby and bit the mother in her ankle, leaving the baby unprotected and the protector of the baby in shock. Bill looked back at Harry, who was sticking up two little thumbs and giving her an approving expression, and continued hunting the innocent baby. Bill figured that she couldn't eat the baby all at once, and that she would have to bite off body parts one at a time to eat the baby. Bill slithered up to the baby, now lying on the ground. Suddenly, a pointy shovel the maid was holding came down on poor Bill's head, and killing her. "YES!!! IT IS DEAD" the maid exclaimed. "NO!! SHE IS DEAD" Harry shouted. Harry began to cry, and the maid began to laugh and triumph over her prized attack. All the inn inhabitants clapped graciously for the maid. But as the depressed Inn keeper descended down the stairs, everyone fell silent. "My snake…what happened to my snake?!?" the Inn keeper demanded. "Oh, Fred…it's _your_ snake…?" the maid asked. "YES!! Of course it's my snake, you IDIOT!" Fred screamed. Fred turned around quickly and stomped up the stairs. Some say that cutting noises were audible. Harry ran over to the motionless Bill and held her in his arms. "Oh, Bill….poor, innocent Bill…" Harry moaned. "Eww, you're touching that vicious thing? You're gonna get like rabies or something!" the maid scoffed. "Sh-she was my f-friend…" Harry whimpered accusingly. "and _you_ killed her!" Harry dropped Bill's body and stood up. "Why did you kill Bill?" Harry demanded furiously. "Hey…isn't that a movie, or something..?" the maid asked lazily. "What is a 'movie'?" Harry asked. "Oh, never mind." The maid answered. As Harry sat back down, he saw Dumbledore walk into the lobby of the inn. Harry jumped up, and happily ran over to hug him. "Oh, Dumbledore! They killed Bill!" Harry announced. "Isn't that a movie?" Dumbledore asked. "UGHH!" Harry grunted, and ran to his small room, grabbing Bill's body on the way. _Darn it, that was a perfect moment to tell him,_ thought Dumbledore. _Will little Harry ever know the truth?_

Age: 8

Harry lay on his small back, on top of his irrationally small "bed", in this case, meaning two blankets gathered together to pad Harry's body at least a _tiny_ bit from the concrete floor of his room, and looked up at the worn, tattered ceiling with a remarkable amount of large, brown coffee stains. He was still mad at the Inn's maid for killing poor, innocent Bill, and also at Dumbledore for implying that he actually knew what this so-called 'movie' was. Dumbledore had _actually_ had the nerve to ask him, _Harry Potter, _if "killing Bill" was one of these 'movies' everyone speaks of. How insulting! Harry _had _to get Dumbledore back somehow. Harry had to do something that really _hurt._ _Maybe I will stop giving __Dumbledore free back massages late at night...yeah, that's what I'll do! _Harry thought. Harry's thoughts were suddenly and rudely interrupted by a sharp rapping on the door of his smelly room. Harry was currently _not_ in a very good mood, and didn't really want visitors at that moment. "OK, I'm coming," Harry's high voice yelled in the direction of the door. Harry stomped over to the heavily dented door and stood up on the stool, in order to take a glance through the high-up peephole. Standing in the doorway, tall and thin, was none other than Mr. Dumbledore. Harry let out a short grumble, but reluctantly opened the door to him."Hello, Harry. I came for my evening deep-tissue back massage!" Dumbledore said, a _little _too happily. "Actually, I-I'm not going to give you a wonderful, deep-tissue back massage tonight, because of what you said to me yesterday." Harry answered promptly. Then Harry slammed the beaten up door in Dumbledore's face. "That felt good..." Harry said out loud. "Not as good as my deep-tissue back massage would feel!!" Dumbledore's muffled voice accused. "Oh, shut up, Mr. Dumbledore." Harry said loudly. "No one asked _you _to talk!" _Oh, dear, _thought Dumbledore._ How can we...if he hates me? I wonder what little Harry is thinking right now..._ Harry walked back slowly, but heavily over to his small pile of dirty blankets, which were all filled with holes. _I wonder what Mr. Dumbledore is thinking right now,_ Harry thought. _He probably hates me for hating him. I don't really blame him._

Age: 9

Dumbledore walked down the narrow path that led to his house. All of his past memories came flooding back to him as soon as he got over his salivation for Harry. He got choked up when he remembered his teenage love life with the male gender. A tender area Harry was about to enter... Meanwhile, Harry sat sulking in the bar, drinking his favorite Scotch. His invisibility cloak was on, so no one would see him and think that he was a maniac for drinking alcohol. Man, was it tasty! _I wish Dumbledore had introduced this to me when I was 8._ Harry thought. _It's SO good! _Finally, after finishing his 3rd cup, Harry set out on his fateful journey which would leave him confused, sad, and angry with Dumbledore. As he was just to Dumbledore's house, Harry had second thoughts about giving Dumbledore his deep tissue back massage that he deserved. There was some uneasiness in his head, but he quickly wiped it away, for here came Dumbledore-In a white bathrobe that was showing a little too much of his hairy legs. "Welcome Harry, to my comfortable abode! I was hoping you would finally come, and now you have! I sensed you with the magical sense that I have (clearly, Dumbledore is in MAJOR perverted mode right now)" "Well, let's go RIGHT NOW into my house!" Dumbledore led Harry into the house, and as soon as he got in, said "Why don't you go get some hot chocolate from the kitchen, Harry! It's _quite _good, as you know, and on top of that, I have to get some things done." He gave Harry a little shove that was a tad too hard. "OW! Ok, Mr. Dumbledore! Thanks! Golly, I have never been to a house before! It's sooo amaz..." Harry walked off, marveling at all the different things a house had to offer: mood lights, nice music, a huge soft bed, a RAPING LITTLE CHILDREN FOR DUMMIES book, NO! Wait a minute. That is not a good thing to have in a home! _I have read this myself, and it has a whole bunch of inappropriate pictures and words in it. I would __never__ use this book, or have it in a home! _As Harry was thinking, Dumbledore, who had taken stealth lessons, quietly crept up on Harry. Harry suddenly turned around to find Dumbledore, in only underwear, looking at his pants, for some strange reason. "Mr. Dumbledore, why are you in your underwear? Did you spill hot chocolate on your robe? Was it hot? Do you want me to massage you for that?" Dumbledore didn't really pay any attention to this whole spiel that Harry was launching into; he just hurriedly grabbed the bottle of Scotch and handed it to Harry. "Drink up, Harry! We have a loooong night to go!" After the first bottle was finished, Dumbledore decided that it was enough, and carried the now passed out Harry to his bedroom. There, in the middle of a heavy raping session, Harry woke up. Instinctively, he hugged Dumbledore, who interpreted this differently, and started a whole new "attack" on Harry. Harry just decided to go back to sleep, when suddenly he realized that he was in a bed-_This is not so bad_. Harry thought. But the wrong thing was that Dumbledore was on top of him-and that he was facing the pillow! "Ummm, Mr. Dumbledore, what are you doing?" He said. "But Harry, I thought you wanted more!" Dumbledore said in between groans. "UHHHH. NOOOOO! Stop it! I don't want to be raped!" Harry shouted! With this, Dumbledore promptly grabbed Harry and shoved him to the bed. "You're going to be raped, and LIKE it, Harry! Just like your mother." Dumbledore said this with a sinister grin, followed by a laugh. Harry, still with Downs Syndrome, tried to push Dumbledore, who immediately whacked him across the face. Instantly, Harry lost another 10 of his Downs Syndrome, now getting the ability to have a clear viewpoint. Now able to see well, Harry grabbed the nearest mood lamp, and smashed it into Dumbledore's head. It wasn't hard to miss. Dumbledore cried out in pain. "OOOOHHHH!" THAT FREAKIN HURT! Dumbledore jumped _out of _Harry, and reached into the wardrobe next to him...and...pulled...out...a...

Age: 10

We will never get a chance to find out what Dumbledore had in that wardrobe. All we know is that Harry Potter just happened to finally know the trick of getting rid of his Down Syndrome. So he smashed his face into the bed frame spray painted with nasty pictures of people on top of each other and plunged into blackness for about 5 seconds. When he awoke, Dumbledore was running at him with this _thing_, this black shape. Harry grabbed Dumbledore when he got near, threw him out of his 2nd story window, and ran out of the house. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH," screamed Dumbledore before he hit the ground with a satisfying _thunk. _Thiswas all Harry heard before he was on Dumbledore's telly with the cops and the National Guard and the Army and the Secret Service. "What? You've been raped? I'm sorry, this is the Department of Transportation. We can arrange for you to get a r..." Harry slammed the phone shut in frustration. He had been calling for hours and had only managed to get a hold of a high cocaine dealer and the Department of Transportation. It occurred to him that he had never used a phone before. It also freaked him out that the only people Dumbledore had in his phone book were the dealer and the DT person. So he ran. Far, far away, to a shack with sticks that spelled out "Yoga Palace" on its roof in Okinawa. There, he yoga-trained under a pregnant female yoga master named Charlie who spoke Mandarin fluently. Harry became a very talented and faithful yoga student at Yoga Palace under the drunken instruction Charlie gave him. Life was going exceptionally well for Harry; until Dumbledore reared his ugly face again. This time, his face was truly ugly, no matter what your definition of ugly was. Dumbledore entered the straw door of Yoga Palace on a moving dolly, being pushed by 3 German dwarfs. Dumbledore was wearing a full-body cast with red splotches all over it. There was a big, red swastika spray-painted on his forehead covered in bandages. "Uber slaven eeben globen Helga," Dumbledore's muffled voice said to the 3 dwarfs. The dwarfs quickly left the shack, dropping Dumbledore dolly with a loud _bang_ and a muffled, pain-filled shriek from Dumbledore. Harry, who was still shocked from Dumbledore's arrival, ran over to the pile of bricks that Charlie had been exercising with. He threw each brick, one by one, at Dumbledore with all the might he could muster. "AH...OH...OW...UH," Dumbledore cried out in pain; but his voice was muffled by the slamming sound of the bricks and his body cast covering his mouth. After each brick was lying around Dumbledore's body, Harry ran over to Dumbledore's body and began _manually_ pounding bricks into Dumbledore's face. After more countless pain cries, Harry decided to sit on Dumbledore as he ate his lunch, which consisted of 3 live beetles and a cup of regurgitated tree sap. Harry got a few cockroaches if he was good. "Jeez! I'm not an f-ing girl scout! Why do I have do eat this f-ing crap?" Harry screamed. "It's good for ya, Bill, honey," Charlie said from behind her 12-gauge rifle with a 2-inch TV screen implanted. "My f-ing name isn't f-ing Bill! It's Harry!" Harry yelled as the drunken Charlie began shooting holes in the straw ceiling of Yoga Palace. "Sure thing, Susan," Charlie mumbled. Harry pulled a brick out of Dumbledore and threw it at Charlie. The airborne brick nailed Charlie smack in the face. She fell to the ground, onto her upright gun, which pierced through her heart. Harry could hear the football game with Florida vs. California in her chest. If the gun hadn't had large bayonet, Charlie would still be alive today. Harry, now a fugitive, ripped the gun out of the lifeless Charlie and proceeded to shoot Dumbledore with the blood-covered bullets. "Gun, meet Dumbledore, Dumbledore, meet gun," Harry exclaimed calmly seconds before Dumbledore's leg had a hole straight through it. Dumbledore screamed, and for the rest of his life, which turned out to be around 1 hour, sobbed uncontrollably. Harry poured lime over the limp bodies which used to belong to Dumbledore and Charlie to disintegrate them. Harry knocked over the makeshift "door" of Yoga Palace as he burst out of it. When he got outside, Harry made the decision of is lifetime; whether to drive a Hummer or an electric scooter. Obviously, Harry chose the Hummer. After a few minor crashes/explosions, Harry figured out how to maneuver the strange vehicle. As he was cruisin' the USA, he was stopped by many cops, who were in turn stopped by a flash of his gun. Harry filled up his Hummer gas-guzzler every 15 minutes by entering the gas stations with his gun, threatening to kill someone if he didn't get free gas right away. One night, after a long and hard pillaging spree, Harry was surrounded by the local police and FBI. Harry knew instinctively that he would have to use the satellite hooked-up computer in the Hummer to cause a fire in the Pentagon in order to get the FBI off his tail, and order a whole bunch of Krispy Kreme donuts and throw them off a cliff to get rid of the cops. So he hacked into the Pentagon and shorted out the Pentagon's power supply, which immediately started a fire in the storage room, where an intern and John McCain were very happy in, along with all of the Kleenex in the intern's shirt. Her parents weren't too happy. So the FBI left him to find the arsonist, and the cops all willingly jumped off of the cliff just to get their creamy chocolate doughnuts. This put Harry on the safe side...for a while.

_to be continued..._


End file.
